I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
