The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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