I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
You can't special order awesome
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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