i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
