I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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