Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
