I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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