u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
