Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
