Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
