swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Pants are for mortals
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
