Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Randomize
