She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
