This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
