Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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