u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
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