someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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