grandma shit on top of the toilet
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
