i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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