I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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