Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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