fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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