Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
