i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize