I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
