thus making me awesome and them whores
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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