I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
you had me at cake vodka
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
he just fucked me for my cheese..
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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