Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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