Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
