if you like me you must not know who I am
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Randomize
