Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
