If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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