pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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