Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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