Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
