My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize