i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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