so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
