She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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