I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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