There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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