i may or may not be watching the land before time
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
