It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
