Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
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