Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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