I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize