"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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