That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
