She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
