You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
