Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
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