I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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