If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
