I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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