I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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