So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I supernannyed him into submission
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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