I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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