I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
3pm strippers are depressing
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
