Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
