I CAN MOONWALK!
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
