I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
