I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize