Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
